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Wrong Place, Wrong Brain [解]

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After for almost two weeks of recuperating/drifting in Paris I arrived in Taipei on Friday, 26 October.  At 12.12 at midnight now I should be a good boy and be sleeping, but somehow I can’t.  Partly because today I didn’t work out as much as I did during the previous two days, during which I was duly exhausted by the resumption of workout routine.

I don’t like to post something too negative on this blog, but on the other hand if I can’t say something I want to then it’s probably rather pointless.  A compromise is to secure the entry with password.

OK, let me quickly re-cap: after the unpleasant deportation (for an English account of this, see here) from Bogota back to Madrid, I then
(a) very quickly bought the flight ticket from Madrid to Bogota for a second time but was subsequently told that I won’t be admitted to Colombia and had to have the ticket refunded;
(b) quickly came up with a roughly 2-week itinerary for part of Spain and embarked again upon my journey;
(c) after getting the new passport with a security chip, almost bought a ticket from Madrid to Quito but luckily halted after accidentally discovering that the rest of my 16-leg round-the-world flight ticket had been seriously messed up by Iberia and can’t be remedied.
For the record: in terms of deportation and the set-back related to item (a), I did take them with grace, dignity and good attitude and showed I knew how to soldier on like no-one else probably can.

I could have gone directly home, but I felt like such a failure and was rather down-hearted, while in all earnestness I tried to turn to more positive thoughts and at times indeed succeeded.  I then decided it’d be better to at least stay with my aunt for some time, who lives in the suburbs of Paris.  Paris welcomed me with quite several days of rainy cold weather.

That wasn’t the great visit, but I did enjoy some tiny parts.  And I did more or less gathered myself a bit.

I’m currently staying with a friend in his super tiny room, which doesn’t have the most convenient connection to city center.

I know I should, in whichever order,
(a) find a place to rent,
(b) find some job(s),
(c) figure out what I want to do with my life.
But as can be imagined I haven’t figure out ANYTHING.

I know, I’m lucky.  I’m basically healthy, and there’re people who love me.  And sure, during one of my lunches in Madrid there came a man with no arms sitting at the table right next to me.  A waiter needed to help him light his cigarette, and he had to sip his espresso with a straw.  Yeah, I’m so darn lucky.  But I  can’t get “out” of this state of mind — something that is down-hearted (even though in a somewhat diluted way).

Before leaving Madrid for Paris I felt that I’m a LOSER.  It’s true that it wasn’t my fault that I failed to accomplish my journey, and while I did/do have the intention to fly to South America I was cruelly prevented by ludicrous fate.  But I felt like a FAILURE, which was not to be denied — I can’t return from the trip saying “Hey I accomplished my 300-day Round-the-World trip.” (Sure, I could have gone somewhere else in Europe, but having no couches is something that would seriously deter me, not to mention the much higher prices in Europe.  As for couches, believe me, I tried — as soon as I had the first draft of Spanish itinerary I sent out at least 70 couch requests, all of which I composed carefully of course.)

While the downer element in the previous paragraph is no longer so prominent, it at least has some remnants that stay behind, and I have no idea what to do next.  (I know I should find a room to rent first, but I think it’ll be at least another two days before I can gather my strength (mentally) to do so.)

* * * * * * * * *

I know there’s absolutely no one but I who can make things happen when it comes to making a choice, and I’m not trying to be a childish irresponsible cry-baby that sits on the ground and rants waiting for someone to rescue me.  (Ok, maybe also not terribly mature at the same time.)  But… I just can’t figure out THIS now.

In all sincere humility, it’d be really helpful if someone can walk with me or have coffee.  (Have shrimps for lunch would be great, but that may be a tad much to ask for.)  Or at least a really good audio (phone/internet phone) conversation.  And I’m pretty sure that I will be upbeat and smiley (totally unforced, this I know of) instead of otherwise.


4 responses »

  1. Damian — You’d always be welcome in San Francisco! I’m so sorry to hear about your misfortunes. Please take care & let me know how you’re doing! With concern & warm regards, Rob in SF

  2. Damian, I always think kindly of you.
    You are a good and wise man who has a lot of power in itself.
    I wish you all the best!
    Don’t forget about good moments in Your life…

  3. 受挫無須自責, 先找個地方安頓下來, 然後再忙找工作的事。行有餘力時, 重新規劃反攻大業, 屆時務必徹底踏平哥倫比亞, 笑傲安地斯山脈。

  4. Damian – as you know you’d always be welcome in Gdynia as well … Take care and CU in Chine in Nov maybe ??????


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